The Weight of Insignificance
One of the silliest realizations I’ve had is that, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter what I do. Not really. I’ve let the fear of being myself hold me back from doing what I love—writing, singing, drawing, creating. My creativity has been stunted by a need for external validation that I didn’t even want in the first place.
Why am I like this? Maybe it’s rooted in unprocessed trauma or a lingering belief in unworthiness. Untangling the spectrum of emotional regulation skills I never learned feels impossible sometimes.
Grappling with Meaning and Validation
The chaos in my mind isn’t about the idea that life is meaningless. I’ve already made peace with the fact that I’m the only one who can assign meaning to my experiences.
What I’m wrestling with now is how meaning works collectively. How do shared values and beliefs form? And how do I find people who resonate with those shared values in spaces where they seem scarce?
I thought college would be full of independent thinkers craving new ideas, but it’s been disappointing. Maybe I’m in the wrong spaces, but I feel stuck in a small pond, bored and uninspired.
The Need for Challenge and Growth
I crave something new, something challenging. Life feels stagnant when it’s predictable, and I find myself slipping into dissociation or daydreaming to cope.
I need the discomfort of uncertainty, the joy of being caught off guard. Without variation, life becomes dull, and I lose interest in everything.
Validation: A Double-Edged Sword
External validation feels good, especially when it’s been absent for so long. But does it help us heal or hinder us?
Support groups, therapy, and other external sources can be helpful, but they can also become crutches that delay growth. For example, Alcoholics Anonymous, with its rigid labels and dependence on external validation, can trap people in cycles of helplessness rather than empowering them.
The balance lies in fostering interdependence and healthy dynamics while avoiding toxic reliance.
Redefining Success Through Validation
Can we succeed with only internal validation? Does success require redefining what it means to us?
For those healing from trauma, external validation can be a stepping stone, but it’s not a replacement for building self-trust and confidence. Success born from internal validation might look different but could be more sustainable in the long run.
The Slow Process of Healing
Healing from trauma is painfully slow. It’s full of failures and small successes. Some days, dissociation takes over, and I lose hours or even whole days. Other times, I write for hours, trying to process the discomfort of being alive.
But it’s getting easier. The days of endless dissociation are fewer, and I’m learning to stay present.
A Messy but Worthwhile Journey
Healing is messy, just like life. It’s a mix of frustration, hope, and resilience.
I don’t have all the answers, but I know this: change is possible. Growth is possible. Learning to live without the weight of external validation is possible.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.
As always, don’t forget to share your revelations with me below ♡
Until next time,
Audrey
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