Tomorrow’s my first name day—my birthday for my new name
A year ago, on October 23, 2023, I went to the courthouse and legally changed my name. It was really scary. It was probably the scariest thing I’ve ever done because it was such a big thing, you know? Our name is something we associate with our entire identity. For me, I struggled a lot with whether it was crazy, whether I was overreacting, or if I was going to regret it.
At the time, I wasn’t in a great place mentally, if I’m being honest. I’ve had to heal a lot, and this name change was a way for me to signify that—to cut the final tie to a past that no longer resonated with me and that I no longer wanted to associate with. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to like what people called me. I didn’t want to get triggered and react.
I wanted to like myself. I wanted to feel good
I don’t think many people knew how much I struggled with my name. People really didn’t know, even when I moved. Part of me knows I changed my name to protect myself, but the majority of the reason was that I wanted to feel like me again. And to do that, I had to let the old me die.
It’s not easy. It’s not easy to do something so wild and wholly for yourself. I was raised to neglect or ignore myself for other people. I didn’t have boundaries. I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries. I didn’t even know what boundaries were.
I still find myself getting triggered because I’m still learning how to have boundaries. I’ve had a really tumultuous past 30 years, and I’ve only been starting to feel safe and out of the clear for the past two.
I didn’t expect so much to change with my name change
I genuinely didn’t know what to expect. I knew I felt weird afterward, and I really struggled with my online identity—especially social media—because it felt weird. I didn’t know how to explain it, and I didn’t want to explain it. I just wanted it to feel like my name had always been Audrey. I didn’t want to acknowledge Amber. I didn’t want to explain.
When someone changes their entire name, it’s kind of strange, right? At least, that’s what I projected other people would think. So I isolated myself. I deleted my social media. I cut ties with everything connected to my old identity.
In hindsight, that was the best thing I’ve ever done. It allowed me to build a new identity. It allowed me to create the version of myself that would’ve always existed if I’d been given the chance as a child.
It’s been really weird to come back now and try to mold or combine my past and present identities. Some people only know me as Audrey and don’t know I changed my name. Some know me as both and don’t know why I changed my name. And then there are people who only know me as Amber, who don’t understand who I am now.
My name was memorable. I don’t blame anyone for being confused. My entire name is different now, so it’s okay.
Changing my name gave me the chance to grow into the person I always wished, dreamed, and hoped I could be
It’s unbelievable.
I’m so grateful for all the strength I’ve cultivated for myself while being completely alone, trying to figure out who I am outside of my trauma and tragedy.
I’m still in school. I’m in London right now, studying abroad.
I also decided to live out of my car for six weeks and travel across the country. I wanted to know my country because I want to serve it. I wanted to know what it’s like to live in your car because so many people do. I wanted to understand the differences between states—their strengths, their weaknesses. I wanted to know why this country is so divided.
Driving across the country wasn’t random or spontaneous. It was something I’d wanted to do for a very long time, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
I’ve never experienced anything so cool in my life. I met incredible people and experienced things I never could have dreamed of while living in one state. I drove coast to coast, through flyover states, and it changed my life in so many ways.
I don’t think I’d even be in London—or be the person I am now—if I hadn’t changed my name
I’m so grateful to myself for having the courage to do that, even though it seemed like such a strange decision at the time. A year later, I have no regrets. I don’t think I ever will.
I like my name now. It doesn’t give me bad feelings. There’s no evil tied to it—only good memories. I can keep making good memories.
So yeah, this is my first birthday—my name day. I’m just calling it my birthday because if you know me, you know I love birthdays. They’re my favorite thing in the entire world. I love celebrating other people’s birthdays, and I love celebrating my own.
It doesn’t matter why I changed my name. I don’t feel weird about it anymore. I love my name. I chose it for myself, and it means so much to me.
If you think I’m weird, oh well. That’s not my problem. I stopped living for other people a year ago—maybe longer. Now, I only live for myself, and I’m so much happier because of it.
Until next time,
Audrey
“The bigger the mistake looks, the better chance I’ll have to break out and live a real life. Our real discoveries come from chaos.”
—Chuck Palahniuk from Invisible Monsters
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