A Strange Disconnect in my Value of Self-Worth
I think I’ve finally figured out what’s been holding me back from forming meaningful relationships. There’s been this strange disconnect between myself and others—a detachment I didn’t even realize existed. For so long, I couldn’t fully grasp just how removed I was from people (or maybe how removed I had become). I became so focused on the external world that I never once stopped to question my value or self-worth.
It’s odd to reflect on this because, at one point, I was overflowing with love for everyone. I had a close circle of friends, people who genuinely cared about me. I had space for others and felt happy with myself.
Sure, I had things to work on—who doesn’t in their early-to-mid 20s? But what could I have done back then without the tools or the emotional maturity I have now? Back then, I was kind and generous, driven by ego, yes, but still someone with the best intentions possible given my level of awareness.
The Loss of Innocence
Maybe that’s why he targeted me. Maybe I was too giving, too unaware of what it meant to have boundaries. Or maybe I deserved it for not knowing better. Who knows?
Regardless, I’m still grieving the loss of those good years—the people, the places, the experiences I missed out on. So much of that time is a blur, lost to the dissociation that came with everything falling apart.
But here’s the thing: I no longer feel attached to those stories.
Rediscovering the Value of Self-Worth
Now, I feel peace. True peace. I feel like me again—or, at least, closer to the person I used to be than I have in years.
Looking back, I’m even grateful for what happened (though only now that I’ve passed through the darkest parts of healing). The growth I’ve experienced has been incredible, and I can’t help but focus on the positives. And wow, there are so many positives.
I’m proud of myself—for choosing to face this trauma and heal when I didn’t have to. I could have given up at any point, but I didn’t. I stayed the course, doing my best to become a better, healthier, more emotionally intelligent version of myself.
Lessons in Growth
Healing hasn’t been easy. The triggers still come, often multiple times a day, and I’ve accepted that they probably always will. But I refuse to let that stop me. I could have let the pain keep me stuck, miserable, and trapped in my mind, but I chose to learn from it instead.
Learning has been painful—brutal, even. But the alternative? Remaining unaware of emotional and psychological manipulation, domestic abuse, gaslighting? That’s far worse.
Now that I know, I’ll never unknow. I’m free from that cycle for good.
Hope for the Future
With that freedom comes hope. Hope for real love, the kind I now know I deserve. I’ve finally learned that I’m good enough—and that lesson, as hard as it was to learn, has changed everything.
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