Struggling to Stay Afloat
It’s day 20 of my journey across the country. Three weeks of driving, thinking, feeling, and unraveling myself. Right now, I’m trying hard not to sink into a puddle of self-loathing and shame, trying to hold it all together when my insides feel like a chaotic storm. I’m navigating my nervous system out of survival mode.
I’m 32 years old, and yet, I often feel like I don’t know how to be a person. I don’t know how to connect, how to be healthy, or how to stop carrying the weight of the trauma that has shaped me. I want to be whole so badly, but I don’t know how to get there.
Living With the Past
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been navigating life with complex PTSD. It’s like carrying an invisible storm inside me that gets triggered unexpectedly, leaving me in survival mode—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The triggers can come from nowhere, blindsiding me, and I struggle to recognize them until I’m already in their grip.
I’ve done years of work to heal, and while I’ve come so far, the finish line feels perpetually out of reach. There’s grief in that realization—a deep sadness that no matter how much I try, I still get caught in cycles of fear and shame. It feels like I’m stuck, unable to escape.
Navigating Through Connection and Isolation
I’ve spent much of my life isolating myself from others. For a long time, it felt safer that way. My upbringing taught me that navigating unhealthy relationships and survival dynamics was normal. That’s all I knew.
I grew up in extremes: one parent who was emotionally absent and indifferent, and another who demanded perfection through strict punishment. Between those polar opposites, I was torn in half, forced to suppress who I was to survive. That upbringing shaped my friendships and relationships in ways I’m still untangling.
Now, I’m trying to learn how to connect with people in healthier ways, but it’s hard. What do safe relationships feel like? I honestly have no idea how to show up as my full self without scaring people away with the weight of my past. I don’t want to be defined by my trauma, but it still spills over into everything I do.
The Cycle of Navigating Through Hope and Despair
The hardest part is the cycle. I work on myself, make progress, and even manifest amazing opportunities or relationships. Then, the storm resurfaces, and I unintentionally push people away. Every time I think I’ve made progress, the rug gets pulled out from under me. It’s exhausting.
I want so badly to connect with people, to feel like I belong somewhere, but it feels like I’m cursed to repeat the same pattern over and over. It’s easier to just not try. I tell myself that being alone is safer—for me and for others.
Navigating without a Map
Driving across the country has been a physical escape, but also an emotional reckoning. I packed up my car and left, hoping to leave behind the weight of everything I’ve been carrying. But the truth is, you can’t outrun yourself.
This journey has given me space to think about what I want, but it’s also revealed how much I still don’t understand about myself. I’m trying so hard to heal, to grow, and to build a life that feels worth living. Yet, I’m still haunted by the fear that I’m fundamentally broken—that I’ll never find a way out of this loop.
A Moment of Honesty
This blog isn’t a neat, motivational story. It’s not a triumph or a redemption arc. It’s messy and raw, just like my feelings.
I’m still here, driving through the night, trying to make sense of it all. I’m holding on, even when it feels impossible. I don’t have the answers, and maybe I never will. But I’m not giving up yet.
Closing Thoughts
If you’re reading this, thank you for holding space for my vulnerability. Life is messy, healing isn’t linear, and sometimes, the only thing we can do is keep going.
This journey has taught me that even in the darkest moments, there’s a small flicker of hope. It’s fragile and fleeting, but it’s there. For now, I’m holding onto that as tightly as I can.
This is not the end of my story. It’s just another chapter. And for now, that’s enough.
As always, don’t forget to share your revelations with me below ♡
Until next time,
Audrey
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