June 1, 2024 – My 32nd Birthday
I think I believe in the idea that we need to lose ourselves completely in order to figure out who we really are deep down. In the darkest corners of our minds, that part of us—the real us, the true self—is locked away. I’m not sure about anyone else, but I know my true self was buried in shame.
I didn’t even know how scared I was to be myself. Not just to other people, but also to myself when I’m alone.
Before this year, I was a stranger to myself. But now? I think I’m finally on my side.
Alone With My True Self
The scariest thing someone can do is be completely alone with themselves, and I don’t think many of us actually take the time to do it. It’s easier to get lost inside, especially if you have an inner critic as bad as mine was.
I lost myself completely for a while there. But I am really glad to say I found her again—or perhaps I found her for the first time. Should I be proud to say that I can exist completely on my own? I’m not really sure.
The biggest lesson I learned, outside of who I am, is that we really can’t exist completely on our own.
Asking for Help
In the darkest moments of this year, I turned to others and asked for help. The scariest thing I’ve ever done is allow myself to be wrong and not know anything, to trust other people to help me.
To allow other people to help me.
I’ve met amazing people who want to see me succeed. I’m not scared to fail anymore.
Out of the Pit of Despair
I feel as though I finally climbed out of my rock bottom—my pit of despair.
It’s funny because, for a long time, I thought I’d made it out. A few times, actually. Who knows if this time is actually real? I hope it is. Either way, after everything I’ve been through this past lifetime, I think I’ll survive whatever else the universe decides to throw my way.
If this experience has taught me anything, it’s that I’ll never give up. Even when life feels impossible and I’m completely on my own, trapped in my mental healthscape, I will keep going.
I don’t know what 32 is going to bring me, but I think it’ll be interesting if nothing else. I hope it will be fun.
I know it’ll be magical.
It feels strange to say I’ve conquered the demons in my head. All along, it was just me—afraid and lost and completely alone. Now, the voice is on my side. My higher self.
I still have a ways to go for total healing, but I can confidently say that I am not the person I used to be anymore.
Breaking Free to Embrace My True Self
Now, I am happy—consistently. I am at peace with life. I’m here, right now, in this very moment.
I feel alive—really, actually, completely alive—and I feel like everything is possible.
I feel like I deserve to achieve my dreams.
I feel like I deserve to be happy and loved and appreciated, and I’m okay with doing all of that myself.
I gave myself my life back. I wasn’t even aware that it had been stolen or that I’d been completely miserable, but I was. At some point, I was taught that being myself was wrong—that it was embarrassing to be me, that I should be ashamed to be me.
You know what I say to that now?
Fuck that.
Fuck anyone who tries to shrink me or invalidate me. Fuck anyone who doesn’t respect me.
Boldly Loving My True Self
I refuse to make myself smaller anymore. I’m never going to shrink myself to make other people comfortable ever again. No one should ever have to do that.
I’ve never put myself first before. It feels a little weird still, but it’s getting easier. I feel more and more like myself every day. It turns out I’m really bubbly and extroverted and light. I love to smile and dance and sing. I enjoy wearing dresses and looking girly.
I’m so, so beautiful inside and out, and I think I’m a really sweet, caring, generous person—with a shadow that is just as flawed as everyone else’s. But I love both parts of me.
A Second Chance to Be Myself
This is the beginning of my life. I gave myself a second chance to start over, and I’m going to do everything right this time.
It took 31 years to figure out that what I had been missing and longing for all along—this whole time—was myself. I never realized that I’d been right here waiting this entire time.
Every single day is a gift.
Every single day is a new chance to start over, to try again, to keep going, to learn and play, to fail, to break down, to laugh, to cry, to curse the world for being so cruel.
Every day is exactly what you make of it.
Moving Forward
For 32, I plan to think less and act more. I plan to take more risks, try more things, fail a few times, and have a lot of fun. I’m going to live this year fully. Experience every single second of it for what it is and nothing more.
Life—the mundane—is so beautiful and full of magic.
I’m so, so grateful to be alive, here, right now, at this exact moment, living this exact life as exactly who I am. I don’t want to be anywhere else right now. I don’t want to be anyone else ever.
I’m excited to see what happens next. What I do know is that this year is going to be very, very big. I think this year will be the most important one yet.
Thank you, Thirty-One, for your lessons. Hello, Thirty-Two—I can’t wait to see what you know.
As always, don’t forget to share your revelations with me below ♡
Until next time,
Audrey
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