I’m still not used to the quiet.. The ability to sit in silence has been something I’ve longed for, yet never thought could be possible.
The background noises of the city are so much louder than I remember them to be. I can hear cars pass by, buses opening their doors, but the fan and clock inside are dulled and less annoying than I remember.
It’s as if I’m finally capable of adjusting the volume to the world around me. Like, I can choose what to focus on, instead of everything just screaming at me all at once.
I wonder if this is a perk of healing trauma, or if it’s simply a skill I’ve learned to master within my mind? I suppose the answer doesn’t matter.. it’s just nice to know that I am finally able to exist in the quiet peace of this present moment without the constant background commentary of my mind.
Writing feels less daunting. I have less resistance to doing hard work and I feel more confident about my ability to do well in the things I choose to do.
The future isn’t scary anymore—in fact, it’s unwritten… as in, I can actually see the blank pages. I can see the writing being written as I make decisions, and not a moment sooner.
It’s as if I’m finally, truly the author of my own story once again. Maybe I always have been, but up until now it really has felt as if it was (at least a little) out of my control. Have I taken the pen back from the universe? Have I finally beaten every challenge and passed every test that was handed to me successfully?
Is this quiet peace my prize?
If so, it’s a really great prize. I don’t believe I could’ve asked for anything better. So many of us allow the universe to write our stories without question.. but not me. This is something I’ve always wanted to be in control of—as much as I am allowed to be, of course.
I’ve spent a lifetime living in so much chaos that has felt so out of my control.. but still, the quiet I feel today is just as overwhelming.
This reality is new to me. I’m still afraid that I will wake up one day out of control once again. I’m not sure how long I’ll feel like this, but hopefully it will go away soon because I want to enjoy the peace.
Even if it can’t stay forever, I still want to take this time to enjoy it while it’s here—for as long as I possibly can. And do whatever needs to be done to protect myself from the chaos should it ever feel the need to return.
I think I will always be a little afraid of myself regardless of how consistent and reliable I become.
After living one way for so long, it only makes sense that I am hesitant to go all in on a leap of faith when I’ve created such solid footing here on the ground.
But I think that is the next step for me—to take that next step. To lift one foot, and then the other; to see what happens when I move forward. To trust that should I fall, it won’t take nearly as long for me to get back up and try again.
This is a trust-building exercise, after all. I’m learning to trust myself. I’m building up faith in my own ability to keep moving forward, step by (excruciatingly slow) step.
I need to remember that life isn’t a race.
Life isn’t a race to the end, to the “good part”.
Because the good part is right now, the end could be tomorrow. All I really have to enjoy is the journey that got me to here. Here is all that is guaranteed.
And I can’t lie, here is pretty damn beautiful.
I know there are many things I need to do. I know I do not have as much time as I wish I did; at least not today.
But I also know that I have a lot of time moving forward. Because I am now in control of my time. I am in control of my future and my life.
I have taken back control of my mind, and now anything is possible. Not a given as I still have much to learn and many skills to master, but it is possible.
I have the potential to do or be anything, and the possibilities are endless.
It’s even possible for me to finally be me.
As always, don’t forget to share your revelations with me below ♡
Until next time,
Audrey
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