Existential Harmony

Philosophy and Ethics Poetry and Creative Expression

Choosing to Love Myself While Lost at Sea

October 30, 2022

The bad outweighs the good, but maybe a miracle will happen and I’ll get help?

I’m not really trying—but it’s scary to imagine being totally alone with myself. I know I’m not perfect, but imperfect people are still worthy of love, right?

I’m grateful to have the strength to recognize bad things. I can promise myself I won’t let anyone take me down, but someone always comes along to change my mind.. and as much as I can know it’s time to leave, I end up sacrificing myself far too often. I never leave before it gets bad.

I desperately try to save everyone but me—even when the person is unworthy; even if they don’t want to be saved! I’d rather jump off a sinking ship instead of boarding the lifeboat. I guess I feel undeserving of the lifeboat.. I feel unworthy. There’s so much guilt and shame around just the idea of saving myself first.

Honestly, I’d rather hold on to the sinking ship for as long as I can, but the ship will still sink either way. I’ll still leave myself treading water, even though I’m fully aware I couldn’t actually float forever.

It’s hard to watch myself drown over and over again when all I need to do is get into the lifeboat. All I need to do is stop trying to save everyone else first. The ship is sinking, it’s beyond repair. Why is my life so unimportant? All I need to do is get into the lifeboat. All I need to do is treat myself the same way I treat everyone else.

I can still save myself.

I can stop manifesting the self-loathing demons I conjure up for myself every day. I can start giving myself love and support.. Don’t I know that I deserve just as much as everyone else does? And it’s SO much more than I allow myself to have.. I’m so angry at myself for how poorly I continue to treat me. I know I can’t keep living like this, I don’t want to keep living like this.

No one is going to come and rescue me from me—I have to save myself.

I hope with everything I’ve overcome that I can finally find peace within myself. That I can find happiness, stability, and most importantly, love within myself.

And keep it, instead of sabotaging it like some romanticized picture of mental instability and trauma addiction

Logically, I know I am incredible, but it’s difficult to see it within me when I am so critical and negative myself.

I’ve been treading water for so long that I no longer feel capable of standing on dry land. I don’t remember what it’s like to crawl anymore, let alone walk or run.

I want to see something new.

I want to find home.

I need to make it back to shore.

I need to find me again, because she’s pretty damn amazing. I’m worthy of all the love I try to give everyone else but myself. I’m worthy of being my own savior. I’m worthy of the life boat. I hope she’s still inside me, somewhere.

I know wherever I go she will be there.. that time will help me heal from the pain of feeling continuously lost in this sea within myself. The parts of me still holding on will always be there.. and that’s okay. They can hold on for me, save me, love me, fix me, better me, help me, grow me.. everything they have done for others can still be done, but this time for me.

Some day I will be old, and that’s when I will need myself the most. I never want to know what it’s like to become old without my spirit. I never thought or cared about my future until I discovered that what was missing in my life was love for myself.

I was in a really stuck and dark place for a very long time; I was existing with no purpose. What I never realized though, was how much I have been giving away without ever realizing that what I was giving away were pieces of me.

But this time I’ve given myself a new home.

Happiness. Love. Pain. Excitement. Fear.